Residents in the sleepy St Helens village of Crank are furious at a new Hollywood blockbuster of the same name that portrays them as violent gangsters living in a world filled with crimelords, vice and sun-laden, glamourous locations.

Plastic surgery addict, paedophile and alleged musician Michael Jackson has checked into Fairfield Hospital for a record-breaking 147th nose-job.

"I'm gonna get the bastard ground down to a nub", he said at a press conference held on Tuesday at The Zoo Cafe Bar.