It's not been David Irving's week, not only has he recently been sent down in Austria for denial of the Holocaust, it has been revealed today that a St Helens man has requested Irvings immediate extradition to the Borough to face charges of denying that St Thomas Square ever existed.

Tommy McMahon drinks White Lightning cider at Lowe House Church with a couple of survivors of "Tommy Square" as it was known by the prisoners housed there; some kept there for decades.  He has not worked for years because of his bad back and gout, so has been able to spend time looking over records of speeches made by 67 year old Irving.  Tommy told us exclusively that he could find no recorded incident of the historical revisionist mentioning St Thomas Square at any point in his career.  "That got me thinking" Tommy told us, "Maybe there is some kind of cover up".

In St Helens, where Tommy Square was dreamt up, criminal laws make it an offence to deny that the shit hole ever existed.  When Tommy flew to Austria and probed about his knowledge of the notorious council estate, Irving denied knowing anything about it.  "In fact he ran a mile when I confronted him", added Tommy with more than a hint of a bad odour problem.

Many of the locals in town are shocked that anyone, especially an alleged academic such as Irving can deny that Tommy Square ever stood.  Although they are unable to say exactly where the actual blocks stood, several were able to point out that the archway that once marked the entrance is now barely disguised in the middle of the Micklehead roundabout on the linkway. 

Today the pain and suffering of life in the scag infested flats and maisonettes is represented in the mounds of moved earth surrounded by hoardings projecting images of designer apartments and the suggestion of a higher standard of living, while overlooking a well known pizza chain "restaurant", the site untouched for yonks now due to lack of interest from investors.

St Helens Magistrates, the police, council and legal representatives were united in their total lack of support for Tommy's crusade.  Undeterred Tommy intends to continue the fight for justice inbetewwn knocking out dodgy dvd's in the towns pubs, for all those who had to put up with the hell that was Tommy Square.

Submitted by Mac Market 

Roundabout photo (c) Archibald Stoatmolester 2006 

Hollywood star and ex-Pimbletts delivery driver Benecio De Toro has sent shudders through St Helens Highways Planning Department with a strongly-worded press release about the state of the Borough's roads.

In a statement released yesterday, Del Toro, 41, attacked the department across a broad front, singling out their 'obsession with building mini-roundabouts all over the show' and asks why this council 'seems hell-bent on building more speed bumps at a time when government recommendations are to cut back on such traffic calming measures'.

He also questions new bus lanes, particularly on Marshalls Cross dual-carriageway: 'It's crazy' said his statement 'if I want to nip to Morrisons for some El Paso dinner kits and Corona lagers I invariably get stuck behind some old twat doing 20 mph down the one lane of the dual-carriageway that we're allowed to use, there's only two buses an hour for chrissakes!'

He saves his strongest attack though for the roundabout at Ravenhead 'Ehup carumbah!' said Del Toro's  agent, 'this roundabout actually makes you break the highway code, what were the fuckers thinking of?'

The council haven't responded as yet but would be well advised to heed Del Toro's statement as he's chairman of the powerful transport lobby group 'Common Sense Roads for St Helens', which boasts several powerful Hollywood figures of St Helens descent including Naomi Watts (Parr), Clive Owen (Clink), Ben Affleck (junction) and Jenna Jameson (Sutton Manor).

When pressed by the council for a response to Del Toro's claims they hung up on us.

Story submitted by Bobby Zelmet