New parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were again the centre of a media frenzy today when they decided to show their anger at the state of Helena Housing’s waiting list for new accommodation in a carefully choreographed news conference staged at The World Of Glass complete with a hot placenta buffet.  naturally St Helens Celebrity News was there too.

 The invited journalists from as far a field as The Star and The Reporter offices were witness to the bubbly couple giving each other “Eskimo kisses” while moaning about not being able to get a flat near Katies mum’s on Ashurst Drive, Blackbrook.  Katie said the situation made her want to scream although her strict Scientology beliefs dissalowed such vocal activity.

We’d even settle for a ground floor two bed flat round Cherry tree Drive added the impotent Hollywood actor Cruise.  I wouldn’t mind but I got me bird in the club and everything so we could move into a bigger place.  The points system that Helena adhere to is a fucking disgrace.  How is a millionaire actor supposed to meet such outrageous criteria is beyond me.” 

Tom has been trying to get himself housed in the borough since his split with Nicole Kidman, a story originally broke by SHCN back in July 2002.  “It’s been years now that I’ve been blagging that I’ve been kipping on me eld queens floor up Four Acre, (our sources reveal he has been dosing with Elton John in Clock) I thought that would be enough, but no.  I since heard that you have to get your bird up the duff and put the house in her name.”  Helena Housing refused to comment on individual cases, but issued a statement revealing that any housing stock that comes available is designated for the most needy cases.

As we go to press, Tom and Katie are currently blowing in each others ears and giggling “stop, it tickles” while they await their outcome.