Residents in the sleepy St Helens village of Crank are furious at a new Hollywood blockbuster of the same name that portrays them as violent gangsters living in a world filled with crimelords, vice and sun-laden, glamourous locations.

Box Office smash hit Crank was filmed on location in the quiet hamlet and recants the tale of a local man, played by international megastar Jason Statham, who gets a bit angry at all the naughty shenanigans that go on around his rural idyll.

One of the regulars in the Red Cat

Much of the tale revolves round local mafia hangout, The Red Cat, where local hoodlums get tanked up and become a bit gobby with each other. In one particularly violent scene, Statham's character chases some youths into Crank Caverns after they knock & run on his house. When he catches them, he doesn't half give them a ticking off.

Despite the promise of a surge in tourism for the area, local people aren't pleased with the way they've been depicted. Village stalwart Bert Bertman told us, "Them fillum folk tried to make us out as something we're not. Apart from the odd murder and satanic child sex ring, nothing untoward has ever happened in all my 8 months living here."

Marie Rimmer, ex-leader of St Helens MBC has taken up the fight on behalf of Crankonians. "This wouldn't have happened on my watch!" she told us, "This is what you bastards get for voting Lib Dem!"

Residents in nearby Laffak are already forming a pressure group to stop their community being split asunder after Guy Ritchie was spotted walking down Chain Lane, frequently pausing to look through a rectangle made by his inverted thumbs & index fingers.