David Beckham shocked the footballing world yesterday when it was announced that he would end his relationship with Spanish giants Real Madrid and sign for little known St Helens Town, a small team of jobbing cloggers with a loyal and stupid following who have the misfortune to play their football in one of Rugby League’s most fervent heartlands.

Former England Captain, Beckham (MBE, DSO, VC, 10CC), 31, made his announcement to gasps from the assembled media yesterday afternoon in the St Helens Hilton Hotel’s Reflections lounge. Looking relaxed in a Hugo Boss tracksuit and ‘3 Lyons on my Shirt’ top, Goldenballs claimed that playing for St Helens town had always been a childhood ambition, ‘Playing for St Helens has always been a childhood ambition’, he warbled. 

Wife Victoria accompanied the new town player, and continually put on that pout she does that she thinks makes her looks glamourous, when in fact everyone else thinks that it makes her look like she’s holding in a big shit. She is reported to have said she's looking forward to shopping at B&M, Ethel Austins and Home Bargain on the town's exclusive, upmarket retail park

St Helens Town chairman, Ray Eskimo, confirmed that the deal would cost town almost three hundred million pounds over five years. The club’s attendances regularly average almost 200 matches per spectator, further sponsorship would be sought, Eskimo continued, extending the sponsorship deal with the Crispy Cod chain of 2 chip shops, shaking collection boxes at drunks in pubs and a sponsored keepy uppy competition.