Schools in the borough are due for a major shake-up later this year, when English lessons are to be replaced by a newer up to date version called "Yo-mofo-where-yo-bitch-at?"
Colin Alderheroes from the Education Authority explains :-

"The English of old, leaves students ill-equpped for today's modern world. Some of these kids struggle to understand even the more basic 50-Cent songs."

Under the new system, unwieldy phrases like: "I have an awful lot of respect for you actually, Simon" will be replaced by the single gesture of placing three fingers of the right hand above the left nipple, whilst swaying slightly, and students will be taught to express a whole range of emotions in the module "Walking as if wearing recently shat-in keks."

But as Colin points out, it's not a new thing:- "Commerces in the town have been doing this for years." he explains. "Pimbletts, the tasty savoury vendor for example, decided many years ago to replace the staid "Can I help you Madam?" with a backward incline of the head combined with the sound "Uuh?", and some assistants have even dispensed with words altogether."

It could open up a whole new world of opportunities, explains Colin :- "20 years ago, it would've been unthinkable to see a Brit on Death Row in a Louisiana maximum security prison; it was solely the hallowed preserve of Afro-Americans and child-murderers. But, given some time, using this new system, I see no reason why a local lad shouldn't land a place."

Reporter - Briandriod