In true George Lucas-style, Peter Jackson has announced he will be making the three previous episodes to ‘Lord Of The Rings’; their existence inexplicably never mentioned before until last Tuesday when a large tax bill arrived. But as Lucas himself explains:-

“When I used to read bedtime stories to my children, I always started at chapter four, as I consider this the very essence of good storytelling. Of course I never revealed this fact to them until twenty years later.”

The Tolkien prequels tell of a Baggins dynasty far removed from the opulence of later years, as local historian Paul Roomblitz explains:-

“In those days The Bagginses were far too poor to live in The Shires (a luxury walled-community by The Phoenix) , and had a burrow under Derbyshire Hill. It was here that the family passion for stolen jewellery first developed.”

The good news is that Jackson will be filming much of the action in St Helens, using such locations as the magical castle adjacent to Vicky Park duck pond, and Sutton’s Green Dragon.

The other advantage of these made-up-on-the-spot-for-cash prequels is that local demons such as Purple Orcy and “Shieldsey” (The King of Ellison Drive) can be woven into the plot.

The original source of “The Ring” remains a closely guarded secret, but an insider revealed that Cash Converters on Westfield Street is hotly-tipped.

Reporter - Briandroid