This story can be updated by changing Penelope Cruz to Katie Holmes and substituting Robbie Williams for Keith Urban, whoever the fuck he is. 

It's common knowledge that both sets of parents of the former couple have lived in relative harmony on the estate, until recently, where the couple's post-marital antics are said to be causing severe ructions.

Relationships have become even more strained since Tom Cruise was forced to move back in with his mam, after his latest maud, Penelope Cruz 'packed him in'.

"Our Tom was gutted," explains Rene Cruise, "He's a sensitive lad really, but ever since he split up with that bitch, Nicole, he's gone off the rails. He's down that Green Dragon, pissed every night and sometimes even goes to the Smithy Manor for a fight."

As our reporter was talking to Rene, he heard a shout from the bottom of the street. It was Nicole's mum, Elsie. "Hey you, yer slag. Don't you go callin' our Nicole, it's your Tom who can't keep his dick in his pants."

No sooner had Elsie Kidman appeared than Rene Cruise legged it down the street with a rolling pin shouting "Everyone knows where she gets it from, you've had more cock than Pimmies sell pies, you fookin' whoore!"

At that point, Tom Cruise came sprinting out of his mam's house in his string vest and Y fronts. "Pack it in mam, she's not worth it" he shouted, pulling the battling pensioners off each other. "Yes she is", Rene cried, "I'll bloody-well swing for her!"

Eventually Tom managed to calm things down, and the net curtains gradually stopped twitching. "It's alright, our Mam, I'm not arsed about that Nicole any more. I met a well-fit bird in the Sidac club on Friday night, so you don't have to be mithered any more."

"I hope she's not one of them dirty slappers like you normally bring home, our Tom", Rene said, "No mam, she gets her hair bleached at the hairdressers and even washes her fanny every day, not like that Nicole".

"Ah, I'm made up for yer, our Tom, now get your arse down that Chippy and bring us a split and gravy, twice, for us tea." "Nice one Mam", chuckled Tom.

On returning to the office, our reporter phoned Nicole Kidman's manager for her comments on the events. Nicole is said to be 'non-plussed' with the situation in Four Acre and is going to send Robbie Williams round to Tom's house to twat him.