Irrefutable proof has recently emerged that Pulp frontman, Jarvis Cocker is actually an alien.

A tall story you might think, but a local bucket-fettler, Mike Crapite is convinced that this is the case and claims to have the evidence to prove it. Apparently, Crapite was walking home, after a night out at top nitespot Flex in St Helens, when he noticed something strange on Birchley Street car park.

"It must have been about four o'clock in the morning and it was a bit dark", he explained "but I could see a strange looking silver vehicle on the car park, with all flashing lights and that, so I went over to see what was going on".

"As I got closer, it became obvious that it wasn't a car. It was a bloody great flying saucer." Mike continued. "It was making a bit of a strange din and as I approached, I could see a figure hunched over the spacecraft's bonnet, with a spanner in his hand attempting to fix the thing. And guess who it was? Only Jarvis-frigging-Cocker out of Pulp!"

Luckily, before getting into bucket fettling, Crapite had studied City & Guilds Spacecraft Technology Level II at St Helens College. He was therefore familiar with most types of alien craft (post 1950s) and able to offer the superstar a hand.

"Cocker was very grateful." Mike elaborated. "He explained that he was on his way from Sheffield to his home planet Thaarg for the weekend, when his spaceship started playing up and had forced him to land on Birchley Street car park. I'm a bit rusty on these types of flying saucers, but it's amazing how fast it comes back to you. Cocker's problem was due to a blockage in his uranium nuclear reactor which I quickly resolved and had him on his way."

"Jarvis did ask me not to let anyone know that he is an alien, but St Helens Celebrity News offered me twenty bob and an 'Uxley's pudding for my story. Well with an offer like that, what can you do?"

SHCN contacted Pulp's management company for their views on the story. A spokesman said "We have nothing to say on the matter except to ask what kind of drugs your source was on." Mike however was resolute, "Jarvis is an Alien, he's got green blood and everything."

Mike Crapite has now been sectioned.